This is a quick take on jobs you must definitely consider if you are lazy but want big bucks.
These professions are highly respected because no one knows what they do. They earn exceptionally well because they are skillfully made to look like special talents, that have been acquired through some unknown underground occult (maybe) school, that is not accessible to commoners.
Disclaimer: To all those who possess any of the below mentioned titles, I mean no offence whatsoever, au contraire, I covet your job and am extremely envious of your achievement. I believe the effort gone into creating such a lucrative and satisfying non-job is a wondrous achievement.
1. Vaastu Shastra Consultant (or Feng Shui Consultant)
Expertise in how to improve other’s homes, their work life (even sex life) by arranging their surroundings or furniture according to their positive energy fields, auras and other vibes. Give vague directions and generic analysis for appropriate placement of that bean bag, or hanger in the wardrobe. Then sell fat men and ugly dolls to hang on doors and windows. Ensure you have created enough mystery and enigma about your role to ensure repeated business.
2. Social Media Co-ordinator
Imagine getting paid for posting comments on Facebook, Orkut and other social networking sites all day. The job description needs you to look extremely busy when all you have to show for is the number of tweets, likes and hangouts you have had per day.
3. Bartender at a 5 – star hotel
Ok, 5-star is a critical component maybe you will break a sweat (and a few glasses) in this role but hey, if you can pretend to care about the sob stories of the rich patrons with fat wallets they could cough out more tips than your actual salary. The downside to this job is that you may have to lower your morals when it comes to throwing out drunk women who have reached their alcohol limit and will try to seduce you into giving them that additional shot. What I mean is, it will be difficult to land them on their pretty behinds but man up!
This is pretty self-explanatory. You get paid for sniffing (hopefully) fragrances and telling customers what each smell does to them. I wouldn’t mind spending my time sniffing air for a living.
5. Pet/Animal Care Specialist/Consultant
All you need to do is walk dogs for a living and maybe throw them a ball now and then. The flip side to this is you have to pick up dog shit, that’s better shit than what you get from bosses in white-collared jobs. The money is big when you own one such business and hire someone else to pick the shit.
6. Purchase Assistant
A job in large multinational, expensive brands where you get to follow rich potential buyers and tell them ‘what to buy’ in a very polite way, of course.
7. Marriage Counsellor
Imagine getting paid for listening to husband-wife squabbles. The feat will be to not laugh in their faces as they recount the disintegration of their love-life. Most times, marriages work when the couple want it to. So there’s not much you can do except charge them a lump sum per hour which will mean they are forced to talk to each other. You may need to recite multiplication tables in your head during.
8. Property Manager
As per the description on job sites, you may have to “manage 100s of properties” which means you will need a larger pocket than average to store a larger bunch of keys. You need to be skipping in and out of empty houses and praise them to the heavens to prospective clients, for a living.
9. Marketing Communications Manager
You get paid to write stuff that no one ever reads about stuff that everybody knows and nobody believes. Basically, you “market” the company to employees and customers or those who could potentially be either (while knowing that what you write won’t change their minds) by using pretentious words and eloquent language. Bigger bucks await you as you climb the ladder.
Key role involves coming up with thought-provoking ideas in brilliant disorder. You may generate conflicting opinions (so essentially conveying all present facts), keep debates raging and write as broadly as possible so that you can never be proven wrong. The aim is to never clarify your prediction because you could be wrong and that never seems to happen to economists. The only thing bad about this job is that you have to look as haggled as Einstein to be taken seriously, which could effectively be the end of your love life.
In future posts, we will work out how to get these jobs…
All the best in your job hunt.
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